9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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