I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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