So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
