I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
