New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
