My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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