hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
