That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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