I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
