My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
