Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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