dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
