He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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