A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
