Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
