Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
