Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
