I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
