i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
