I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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