why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
