Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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