Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
