very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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