Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
