I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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