Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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