You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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