At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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