someone threw a dead crab at me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize