Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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