He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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