I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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