Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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