my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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