I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
