Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
