Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
