In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
