I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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