I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize