I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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