Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
