I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
