I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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