so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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