Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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