my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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