im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
