Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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