just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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