1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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