I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
