I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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