A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
