I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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