remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
