no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Houston, we have a blender
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They took my balls.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
