I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
