They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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